We Leave with Nothing but Love

Fine print
December 28, 2010, 12:41 am
Filed under: Family, Living, Music | Tags: , , ,

It’s only in the tiny posted date that the difference of numbers is revealed. These three months have beheld more significance than those hidden numbers could ever know.

I have not changed much, from the person I was in springtime. Although, I have become more passionate about adoption, and I have a car. Also, I have beaten the highest records for two different tetris games.

Why was Christmas this year so ungratifying? Those horror stories about families at Christmastime seemed to have foretold this year’s Christmas for my family. The kind of drama that makes a total straightedge pull out the bottle!

Goals for the rest of this winter break:

  • Biking and swimming nonstop
  • Job-searching like hell is chasing my bank account
  • Create and give: music, arts, and time
  • Sell crocheted goods
  • Spend time with Jesus
  • Continue to forget what is behind, and press on toward the goal of the upward calling of God in Christ Jesus, in every task and opportunity

I now end with a MeWithoutYou lyrical experience:

Why burn poor and lonely under a bowl or under a lampshade

Or on the shelf beside the bed

Where at night you lay turning like a door on its hinges?

First on your left side, then on your right side.. then your left side again.

Why burn poor and lonely?

Tell all the stones we’re gonna make a building…

We’ll be cut into shape and set into place

Or if you’d rather be a window, I’ll gladly be the frame,

Reflecting any kind words, we’ll let in all their blame…

And ruin our reputation all the same.

Se never mind our plan making, we’ll start living…

Anyway, aren’t you unbearably sad?

Then why burn so poor and lonely?

We’ll be like torches!

We’ll be like torches!

We’ll be like torches… OH!!

We’ll be torchest together… TORCHES TOGETHER

We’ll be like torches… with whatever respect our tattered dignity demands,

Torches together, hand in hand

Why pluck one string… what good is just one note?

Oh, one string sounds fine, I guess… but we were once ‘one notes’,

We were lonely wheat quietly ground into grain…

What light and momentary pain!

So why the safe distance, this curious look?

Why tear out the single pages when you can throw away the book?

Why pluck one string when you can strum the guitar?

Strum the guitar!

Strum the guitar… with no beginning, with no end.

Take down the guitar and strum the guitar!

Strum the guitar if you’re afraid.

And I’m afraid and everyone’s afraid and everyone knows it,

But we don’t have to be afraid anymore.

You played the flute, but no one was dancing,

You sang a sad song.. but none of us cried.

you played the flute, but no one was dancing,

And you sang a sad song… you sang such a sad song.

What a glorious feeling


All that Time
June 20, 2010, 7:32 am
Filed under: Crochet, Living, Music, Relationships

While there have been countless opportunities for me to pursue something that reflects who I am, I have not ever felt more myself than now. Sure, there are conversations to be had, and a bridge to be repaired, but so far, being in a relationship with Jonathan makes me finally feel like I am on my way home.

I have always felt like something was weird about the word “home.” At the first house I remember living in, the one we lived in for 10 years, I constantly felt like I wanted to “go home” even when I was already there. And even though I had friends in my neighborhood, and I loved my neighbors’ pets, I was always ready for the adventure of moving to a different place, maybe a place that felt like home. Now that I am in college, I feel comfortable saying that San Diego is “home,” but more like a home base than home. And really, Biola is also home to me.

I have a whole playlist in iTunes for songs that pursue the concept of home, only because I am searching for anyone’s discoveries of  the meaning of home, that will help me understand where home really is for me.

For the search, Simon and Garfunkle have it right:

Tonight I’ll sing my songs again

I’ll play the game and pretend

But all my words come back to me

In shades of mediocrity

Like emptiness in harmony

I need someone to comfort me

Homeward bound, I wish I was

Homeward bound

Songs have always helped me, but sometimes when I never feel at home, the songs only reflect a sad mediocrity. So then, for the songs that discover home, I have Paul Simon’s “That’s Where I belong”:

When I see you smiling
When I hear you singing
Lavender and roses
Every ending a beginning

That’s the way it is
I don’t know why
Ay ay ay
But that’s where I belong

So, in my last post I was searching for my true feelings. I wanted to be certain about Jon’s. I wanted to be certain of our families’ approval. I had a long conversation with my mom, his mom (Momma Sue), and finally, with him. And then I had a conversation with him every night to follow until he came to see me again. And on Sunday when he asked me to be his girlfriend, it was crazy. Crazy in a good way, for the peace I felt, moreso than I have ever felt before. Crazy for the ways that we connected on so many levels, afterso many years of knowing each other. (Something like 21 years, since that is how long I have been alive in the church we have both always gone to!)

There are so many conversations to be had, and so many things I am excited to pursue with him. We are going to read a Charles Williams book together, and I am planning to visit him in Japan where he is stationed.

So here is a  picture or two that seem to reflect how perfect we are for each other so far: Looking adventurous, looking happy, and one picture of us holding the crocheted monkey that I made for Jon, which we appropriately named Yawn.

March 14, 2010, 1:39 am
Filed under: Crochet, Living, Music, Uncategorized

Thanks to Andrea, I am left speechless by this beauty:

Actually I have found a new spot to promote the creative genius of crochet: ravelry.com

My account name on the site is shareshare (just like on etsy.com)

I found this pattern for a hat that I made for my roommate’s mom, who always takes good care of us! I used blue Caron One Lb. yarn, and followed this pattern: Divine hat. My laptop’s webcam is such bad quality, but here is how mine turned out! And included are two other scarves I’ve been working on.

February 19, 2010, 12:33 am
Filed under: College Classes., God, Living, Music, Relationships | Tags: ,

While listening to “Everything About It Is A Love Song,” I try to remember the reason for wanting to write this post. Memory is a funny game, and after a day like today, I am clearly on a losing streak.

Yesterday my Torrey group discussed Jane Eyre, concluding that Jane grew strong and mature. She subjected herself to poverty before giving in to depravity of affection. She saw all her situations as opportunities of providing her worth in life. Never satisfied with her own poor performance, she sought to best serve her companions in life. Her work, her love, and her relationships were top quality, outweighing the merit of Chuck Norris (as Dr. Reynolds so aptly tweeted).

So I’m praising God to feel so free from relational disillusionment, to find strength in virtue of Jane’s character. Satisfaction surrounds genuine patience, so here I wait, learning to know God more. During this crazy long week, I have again found satisfaction in knowing God and knowing that my home is in Him. I am not Sharon, without the things that I do, and I am not God’s without surrendering all those things to Him.

“Everything About It Is A Love Song”

Locked in a struggle for the right combination of words in a melody line

I took a walk along the riverbank of my imagination

Golden clouds were shuffling the sunshine

But if I ever get back to the twentieth century

Guess I’ll have to pay off some debts

Open the book of my vanishing memory

With its catalogue of regrets

Stand up for the deeds I did

And those I didn’t do

Sit down, shut up, think about God

And wait for the hour of my rescue

We don’t mean to mess things up

But mess them up we do

And then it’s “Oh, I’m sorry”

Here’s a smiling photograph of love it was new

At a birthday party

Make a wish and close your eyes: surprise, surprise, surprise

Early December, and brown as a sparrow

Frost creeping over the pond

I shoot a thought into the future

And it flies like an arrow

Through my lifetime, and beyond

If I ever come back as a tree, or a crow

Or even the wind-blown dust

Find me on the ancient road in the song when the wires are hushed

Hurry on and remember me, as I’ll remember you

Far above the the gold clouds, the darkness vibrates

The earth is blue

And everything about it is  a love song

Everything about it

Everything about it is a love song

Everything about it

-Paul Simon

Today being Tuesday
November 24, 2009, 8:47 am
Filed under: College Classes., God, Music

Since I led my Torrey session last week, it is now my turn to lead devotions today. Others have done it. I think that I will be fine. Some have things to say, some are meditative, some are complaints about life. I want to share song. I want to express our loyalty and togetherness in Christ, in the face of the unity of kingdoms, and dissolutions of families we experience during our Torrey session. I had just led a 3-hour discussion on 1&2 Samuel (so I really don’t feel a need to ramble about anything today), and this week a classmate will lead session on 1&2 Kings.

The Chasing Song

By Andrew Peterson

Now and then these feet just take to wandering
Now and then I prop them up at home
Sometimes I think about the consequences
Sometimes I don’t

Well, I realize that falling down ain’t graceful
But I thank the Lord that falling’s full of grace
Sometimes I take my eyes off Jesus
And you know that’s all it takes

Well, I wish that I could say that at the close of every day
I was happy with the way that I’m behaving

‘Cause Job, he chased an answer
The wise men chased the Child
Jacob chased her fourteen years
And he captured Rachel’s smile
And Moses chased the Promised Land
Joseph chased a dream
David, he chased God’s own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me

Well, they say a race can only have one winner
And you know you’ve got to pull out front to win
God knows the only time I’m winning
Is when I’m chasing Him

So, I wish that I could say that at the close of every day
I was happy with the way that I’m behaving

‘Cause Samson chased a woman
And he chased the Phillistines
I’m not quite sure what Jonah chased
But I know he caught the sea
And Cain, he chased the harvest
While Abel chased the beasts
David, he chased God’s own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me

And Jesus chased the money men
And He chased His Father’s will
He chased my sin to Calvary
And He caught it on that hill
And Saul, he chased the Christians
‘Til his blindness made him see
David, he chased God’s own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me

While there is much time to think about our short-comings, about the mistakes of great men (or those not so great), “all I ever seem to chase is me.” The race’s only winner is the one that pulls out front, and for each individual, the end mark is not our own perfection. It’s God’s own heart. The stories of old that we will discuss today each have some significance in light of the story of Jesus. Lest we chase after any other ultimate perspective, I pray that beginning our long discussion with this Andrew Peterson experience will set the tone.

A Poem of Partial Coherence and a Shoutout to Billy Collins
Wesley’s forced perfection
Edwards’s saving affection
Kant’s empirical madness
Coleridge’s feisty wording
Samuel’s peaceful sanctity
Education and friendship and home
Speaking implies tongues of understanding
Consideration allows communication
Poetry necessitates coherence
Like coffee beans need a filter
Like uphill biking needs strong legs
Time to let the man on the moon smile
To love the dark earth
To ride the night’s full horizon
To break into song and sing me to sleep

In an effort to write out some thoughts like a an artist of words, I typed out this choppy thought process. There was no intention to rhyme, and no intention for this to make sense to the common eye, but this is my poem to reflect my thoughts after a long, unaccomplished day of work, paperwork, homework, classes, conversations brutally cut short, frustrating volleyball games, spiritual introspection and reflection, and roommate meetings.

Midnight Affections in Partial Coherence

Restless eyes with big ideas

Search for an open eye to share the ideas

Sharing the laughter

Sharing affectionate conversation

Withholding insecurity for the sake of sanity

And naturally the sanity follows

The kind looks and words from friends

Legitimacy in relationship is better than the pain of introspection

Light of the Spirit to guide and to nourish

Friends of Christ in togetherness

When I find myself on the bridge over troubled waters

And say to myself that I am the silver girl

And say so long, and prepare to jump,

Who is to keep me there except the false light

Even over thinking the future will toss one over the edge

The troubled waters have enough to handle

Without one more body of intricacy and mess

And friends would become lonely also

As Frank Lloyd Wright is to the Fallingwater

So Sharon is to the CPA and to schedules

So experience is bred, but also distraction

Homework left undone

And friends neglected severely

The pithy phrases of the philosophers

And the affections of musicians

Can only give me something to hang a coat on

Wesley’s forced perfection

Edwards’s saving affection

Kant’s empirical madness

Coleridge’s feisty wording

Samuel’s peaceful sanctity

Education and friendship and home

Speaking implies tongues of understanding

Consideration allows communication

Poetry necessitates coherence

Like coffee beans need a filter

Like uphill biking needs strong legs

Time to let the man on the moon smile

To love the dark earth

To ride the night’s full horizon

To break into song and sing me to sleep

And here is a thorough tribute to Billy Collins for the sake of his quote:

The Man in the Moon

He used to frighten me in the nights of childhood,

The wide adult face, enormous, stern, aloft.
I could not imagine such loneliness, such coldness.

But tonight as I drive home over these hilly roads
I see him sinking behind stands of winter trees
And rising again to show his familiar face.

And when he comes into full view over open fields
He looks like a young man who has fallen in love
With the
dark earth,

A pale bachelor, well-groomed and full of melancholy,
His round mouth open
As if he had just broken into song.

Summer Twilight in La Mirada

May 11, 2009, 3:36 pm
Filed under: God, Living, Music, Uncategorized

I said, "I will guard my ways,

Lest I sin with my tongue;

I will restrain my mouth with a muzzle,

While the wicked are before me.""

I was mute with silence,

I held my peace even from good;

And my sorrow was stirred up.

My heart was hot within me;

While I was musing, the fire burned.

Then I spoke with my tongue:

"LORD, make me to know my end,

And what is the measure of my days,

That I may know how frail I am.

Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths,

And my age is as nothing before You;

Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor.

Surely every man walks about like a shadow;

Surely they busy themselves in vain;

He heaps up richerrs,

And does not know who will gather them.

"And now, Lord, what do I wait for?

My hope is in You.

Deliver me from all my transgressions;

Do not make me the reproach of the foolish.

I was mute, I did not open my mouth,

Because it was You who did it. Remove Your plague from me;

I am consumed by the blow of Your hand.

When with rebukes You correct man for iniquity,

You make his beauty melt away like a moth;

Surely evey man is vapor.

Hear my prayer, O LORD,

And give ear to my cry;

Do not be silent at my tears;

For I am a stranger with You,

A sojourner, as all my fathers were.

Remove Your gaze from me, that I may regain strength,

Before I go away and am no more."

Psalm 39

Look up "It was Supposed to be so Easy" by the Streets.