We Leave with Nothing but Love

Perspective. and painful long-distance relationships.
September 29, 2008, 7:03 am
Filed under: God, Music, Relationships

I have good days when I start off well, and then remain productive throughout the day. Whenever I start off eating too much or sleeping in for too long, and then I remain lazy for a while, I have a pretty terrible, self-hating day. These days, the biggest problem is the distance I feel from David. For some reason I am terribly missing him more than ever. I hope he is not tired of the way I talk or the way I think so much all the time. It would be so silly of me to expect more from him, since I know that we both love each other. Why am I sometimes dissatisfied? I’m hoping that the biggest problem is the physical distance. I haven’t seen him in 3 weeks now, and I haven’t been able to go home for another week. 😦 Why do I feel the other disconnect? Probably because of his distractions and my different directions that I go every day… All the different people and the different things that I enjoy. He is obsessed with sports, and I am always talking and hanging out. He likes to read and manage his time, and I like to be spontaneous in the middle of starting my homework, just to have a good time all the time! (And lose sleep…) He enjoys comedy, and I appreciate music and poetry. We are indeed quite different. A lot of times I build up this idea in my head, full of expectations about who we both are, and the idea disappointingly comes crashing down because they were rotten expectations. With much sorrow, I admit my disappointment, and try to get over it! It’s so stupid to expect David to be what he isn’t, and to want him to enjoy everything I do, just because he says he loves me. Life isn’t a romance movie, by any means, and David is just too good for that.

Today when I talked with David on the phone, I asked him what kinds of things he has been thinking about lately. He went off about wondering if voting matters, and if getting into politics has any true value. The truth is, the only things that really truly matter most are eternal. Our relationships with God make us the people we ought to be in this life. Our relationships with God have eternal value, because that is how our souls remain intact. Especially if am to be a wife of a minister, I need to remember this above all else. I am a business accounting major, and that is just so hard for me to come to terms with. I used to believe all this and hold onto it like a starving man on a Christmas ham. But now that I am seeing more and learning about the system of the world, and I am thinking that being the wife of someone in full-time ministry is almost a waste of time. What a sick, terrible thought! What is my very life built upon? It’s founded upon Jesus Christ and Him crucified. This upbringing has made me very cautious and innocent. I feel like a weakling in the world’s eyes, just waiting to be stomped out of existence and forgotten. But that’s not what I am in my relationship with God. I am that lamb that is held in Jesus’ arms, and broken 10 times over in order to get my perspective right, because He loves me and I love Him. I have a few titles for myself: sister, daughter, girlfriend, Biolan, accountant, etc. The one that will last the longest, however, is the one that Jesus gives to me.

What is the most important thing that I can do in this life? I want to be a voice in politics, a catalyst for lovingkindness in the business world, and a supportive girlfriend. I have no control over people’s hearts, though, so I guess the biggest issues come down to love and prayer. I need to keep myself in order to be the person that doesn’t live for herself. A woman of prayer, and a selfless girlfriend. A continent, temperate, courageous person. Have faith, hope, and love- but most of all, love.

I talked with Mr. Becklund about Faith’s long-distance relationship with Zach, and he made a lot of sense when he talked about time management, family value, and what God’s love is. Essentially, he said that parents’ opinions are very important, God’s guidance is key, and that God is love. God’s love is more than just putting up with another’s faults- it goes so much farther beyond that! God cannot possibly do anything but love us, and it is so not His nature to divorce us. That is why He hates divorce. It’s not that He is choosing to love us or remain in a relationship with us; it is in His very nature! Seeing that God cannot act against His nature, in the harmony of the spheres, He is the love that binds perfection.

Music is a big deal, and I don’t even know very much about the music that is out there. But I do know that the things which turn my affection to the things of this world are harming me terribly. I am longing for too much love and chocolate, and it is making me out of shape physically and spiritually.

Gee whiz.


Settling Differences.
September 24, 2008, 7:46 am
Filed under: Music | Tags: , , , , , , ,

When I am thinking about the music that suits my style, that moves my emotion, or that inspires me, I am connecting with the music and loving it. I appreciate the talents of music artists; their poetry inspires me. The settings of showtunes remind me of a sing-song life. I remember past times of listening to those same songs.

Everyone can relate with the need for music- putting on Phil/Evan Whickham or Chris Tomlin when in a worshipful mood, blasting Thrice when angry or aggressive, shouting Queen when feeling victorious, or enlightening the soul with classical when working on homework. It makes a difference when you have a montage of noises beside you as you drudge your way through life. All the differences in the soul are being united harmoniously as the harmony of the sounds, descending from some menial harmony playing in the spheres, enter the soul and unite all difference. I feel taken up to those heavens, relating with the divine power of healing when I listen to Underoath’s “Some will seek forgiveness, others escape.” I can shout painfully “Jesus, I’M READY TO COME HOME” or I can listen and beg for the sweet angel of mercy, with grace like the morning, to wrap loving arms around me. King Saul must have been taken up in this kind of healing harmony when David played the harp for him. Maybe I am just a carnal King Saul inside my soul, and one day I will just blow up because I really can’t have total control of my life.

It doesn’t make sense to me when the people I love most don’t view these life-sources with the same connection that I have. I am learning to get over it.

When discussing Dante’s Divine Comedy, the Inferno.

People may get angry or confused in class discussion session:

  • I want to understand where the conversation is going, and understand the questions clearly so that I can give clear answers. I get frustrated when someone doesn’t clarify what they are thinking or how they came up with their conclusions. I get frustrated when I don’t know how to clarify those things for my own conclusions, in a believable way.
  • I want to say what I am thinking. But sometimes my words get mixed up, and as my thoughts get translated into audible noises, I forget what I was thinking. I often grow aware of my lacking conversational skills in session, and I am not sure how confidently to make claims about what the author writes.
  • Sometimes I misinterpret stories that I read.
  • I forget what I had believed earlier, and I wish that I could hold my ground- if only I could remember what ground I was standing on before I had walked into session!

John Chrysostom is an interesting group to be in. In our Torrey discussion on Dante’s Davine Comedy, the Inferno:

At the beginning of class, the professor might ask, “Where is Dante at the beginning of Inferno?” And we would respond, “He is in the wilderness, in a state of confusion. He is traveling through a dark and dangerous wood, going through a pass of death. His mind is a fugitive, meaning that he is hiding in this dearkness, cowering because he has left the path of the straight and true. He is traveling toward the center of the universe, away from God.” The professor says that what we shared was barely the conclusion that we were supposed to come to, but it is time to move on.

Gee whiz.

I am now trying to decide the importance of descent in order to ascend. Why does Dante need to go to hell before he can have a more divine vision of heaven? Why do we need to go through firy trials and despair before we can truly share in the divine glory of God?