We Leave with Nothing but Love

This Christmas, I did not get to have very much of a romantic evening by a fireplace or have my love by my side. This Christmas, I feel as if I have selfishly taken love and joy from family and friends, and taken the joy away from a man who heard me tell him that I wanted to marry him. So I have no boyfriend, but I have tons of other nostalgic stuff around me to keep me content. Now that I’m done with my pity party, here are my deeper thoughts as of late.

I once made a list of things that are very important in my life. Relationship, music, and love are HUGE issues. Focusing on education is currently key to my success . For some reason, I was not able to fess up to the responsibility that I have to remain honest and caring and submitted to God in all areas of my life, including my relationship with my boyfriend. Praise the Lord, we are both in His hands, and He will continue His perfect plan in us, even though I broke off the relationship last week. Now I am reading through Ephesians constantly, ever since my interesting Don Rags with Dr. Spears, and I am also loving the book A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Van Auken. Actually that book has made me feel stronger to face this break-up, showing me the greater poetic beauty of a romantic relationship. Now that I am considering the power of the Holy Spirit in my unveiled soul, having the influence to redeem my brokenness daily for His purposes, I pray that I could understand the beauty the Van Auken felt through pagan love and through relationship, then through the most perfect love of God. (Not that I’m trying to be sappy and romantic, but I just need to let my girlish desires go in the right direction…) I did a lot of things wrong in my relationship with David. I made a lot of situations very awkward (not that that is anything new, but it’s still unnecessary! Silly self-conscious shareshare…) and apparently I was a prime cause of David’s hairs prematurely growing grey. I overreacted to stupid things, and I did things that I knew he didn’t really like. I did not show enough appreciation for everything that David did for me, especially toward the end. Next week I will face all of these issues, and it will be interesting to hear his take on our whole relationship.Last Wednesday, David came to the house after he finished his last paper to finish his undergrad degree in biblical studies. He was happy, and totally unprepared to hear that I had been fasting all day about our relationship, and concluded that I cannot be in the relationship any more. Several personality and opinion conflicts have irked me in our relationship, and God showed me that it would not be right for me to continue being unsatisfied and in the relationship. When the time is right, maybe life can be like Van Auken’s poem Maytime:

The aged winter fled away
Before the bugles of the May,-
And love, dear love, arose.
But when spring's glory goes
The lilacs of our love shall stay,
For ever Maytime sweet and gay,-
Until the lilacs close
Beneath the deathly snows.

I really did think we were going to get married. Every time I tell someone about the end of our relationship I want to cry again, and nothing takes away the sting of unspiritual plans gone awry. Lord help us, I have nothing to say or to offer any more. Nothing has changed about the fact that I am such a blonde and I leave things to the last minute way too often. Now it’s time for more changes to happen. Right now I don’t want romance; I want friends! Praise God for the friends that have come around me and held me up in love and prayers.I thank God for all the similarities and differences I share with good friends, including my sisters. Unity or disunity, God has given much to buffer my belief and maintain hope for what is real.

Well, on another note, I really enjoy the band Future of Forestry now. It offers poetry and healing, and reminders about good times and a great concert. Chris told me to focus on the song that says “love will come to you” in the chorus. I have definitely eaten that song up, and added it to my favorites list. It’s definitely one of thos songs that I can use for regaining composure-or maybe losing it- as I get swallowed by big blankets and put my head as close as I can to the speakers blaring these words: “These are the times, these are the memories. You find a way, pushing through the day, to speak to me gently. Can you just feel the time, falling from someplace new? Can you just feel the sign? Love waits for you. Love waits for you. Searching the stars in desperate hours- bound to find meaning. God shows His face in this desolate place. Tenderness meets me. Stories untold, Redwoods grown old reside in the forest. There you can hear a whispering and tear that speaks into our loneliness. ” The instruments provide the perfect feeling of the mystery of spiritual healing.

Also, Thrice is a huge blessing. Their song “Come all ye Weary” is my new top favorite, standing with “Music Box” and “Image of the Invisible.” I loved their concert at House of Blues; definitely a great time hanging out with Chris, Scott, Andrew, and Corrine. Thrice seems to make the Bible’s artistic words  hit SO much closer home!

Holidays are simply awesome, especially when we are able to celebrate new additions to the family! Thank you Jesus for Josiah officially becoming my brother last month, and for Melody’s baby girl on the way. Woohoo for being a big sister and an auntie!! Family relationship represents the Godhead: a father, offspring, and intermediary (dad, mom, and kids!), so may we all learn how to glorify God properly in our families. May we be loving and submissive in the way we communicate.

“I heard a voice through the discord, of a deluge of passersby. I saw one gaze frozen in time, wathcing me passing by. I swear I’ll know your face in a crowd. I’ll hear your voice so loud, and your whispering:

‘Hey unfaithful I will teach you to be stronger, to be stronger. Hey ungraceful, I will teach you to forgive one another.’ Hear’s my kiss to betray. Desperate to brush the lips of grace. Do you feel hollow when you think of how I’ve lied? Oh, sweet angel of mercy, with your grace like the morning, wrap your loving arms around me.

‘Hey unfaithful, I will teach you to be stronger, to  be stronger. Hey ungraceful, I will teach you to forgive one another. Hey unloving, I will love you.’

Jesus, I’m ready to come home!”