Filed under: Family, Living, Music | Tags: Gene Kelly, MeWithoutYou, Singing in the Rain, Torches
It’s only in the tiny posted date that the difference of numbers is revealed. These three months have beheld more significance than those hidden numbers could ever know.
I have not changed much, from the person I was in springtime. Although, I have become more passionate about adoption, and I have a car. Also, I have beaten the highest records for two different tetris games.
Why was Christmas this year so ungratifying? Those horror stories about families at Christmastime seemed to have foretold this year’s Christmas for my family. The kind of drama that makes a total straightedge pull out the bottle!
Goals for the rest of this winter break:
- Biking and swimming nonstop
- Job-searching like hell is chasing my bank account
- Create and give: music, arts, and time
- Sell crocheted goods
- Spend time with Jesus
- Continue to forget what is behind, and press on toward the goal of the upward calling of God in Christ Jesus, in every task and opportunity
I now end with a MeWithoutYou lyrical experience:
Why burn poor and lonely under a bowl or under a lampshade
Or on the shelf beside the bed
Where at night you lay turning like a door on its hinges?
First on your left side, then on your right side.. then your left side again.
Why burn poor and lonely?
Tell all the stones we’re gonna make a building…
We’ll be cut into shape and set into place
Or if you’d rather be a window, I’ll gladly be the frame,
Reflecting any kind words, we’ll let in all their blame…
And ruin our reputation all the same.
Se never mind our plan making, we’ll start living…
Anyway, aren’t you unbearably sad?
Then why burn so poor and lonely?
We’ll be like torches!
We’ll be like torches!
We’ll be like torches… OH!!
We’ll be torchest together… TORCHES TOGETHER
We’ll be like torches… with whatever respect our tattered dignity demands,
Torches together, hand in hand
Why pluck one string… what good is just one note?
Oh, one string sounds fine, I guess… but we were once ‘one notes’,
We were lonely wheat quietly ground into grain…
What light and momentary pain!
So why the safe distance, this curious look?
Why tear out the single pages when you can throw away the book?
Why pluck one string when you can strum the guitar?
Strum the guitar!
Strum the guitar… with no beginning, with no end.
Take down the guitar and strum the guitar!
Strum the guitar if you’re afraid.
And I’m afraid and everyone’s afraid and everyone knows it,
But we don’t have to be afraid anymore.
You played the flute, but no one was dancing,
You sang a sad song.. but none of us cried.
you played the flute, but no one was dancing,
And you sang a sad song… you sang such a sad song.
What a glorious feeling
Making couch pillow_wedding gift
I am at my parents’ house this week for the wedding of one of my best friends. It is a beautiful union. I have been very sick. Our other best friend flew here from Texas with her husband and baby boy. I was in bed for more hours than I can count this week.
I’m so happy for my friends!
Today I was reminded of the poetry of feeling. Furthermore, I was reminded that I have no idea what it would be like to have a mustache.
As I recall, my home church has been filling our awareness with reminders that we are in the last days. As far as I know, there are still some events that need to take place in European government, and then the “rapture” will take place. Hm.
Matt. 24, Luke 21, and Mark 13 contain the Olivet Discourse, in which is an outline of the Rapture, the 7-Year Tribulation, and then the Second Coming of Christ. After Christ comes, there will be the Battle of Armageddon, which will transition into the judgments of all people. Afterward, the Thousand-Year Rule of Jesus will end with Satan’s release and final battle. When all of earth is melted with a fervent heat, God will create a new heaven and new earth.
All these events have been drawn from intensive study of the entire Bible. In fact, almost all the information in Revelation is lumped from prophecy within all the other books of the Bible. It’s a wakeup call, really.
When I stayed at my parents’ house for two weeks for a Christmas respite, I started an Audrey Hepburn movie kick. But my sister told me I should just read my Bible more. It was funny, and correct.
I have intentions to be real with God this year. 100% effort will be used! I still have strong regrets and sadness, but simultaneous restoration and assurance overwhelms my self-awareness. Praise God for the covenant of grace that provides renewal in our everyday realities! He is coming soon, but He does not ever leave us wallowing in our sins.
Final note on spiritual recognition:
Grace to you and peace from God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for our sins, that He might deliver us from this present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. [Gal 1:3-5]
And this is one of my last crochet projects from the past few days:
And that belief involved my own desires. I wrapped up my life in my desires. And now I am dealing with the repercussions.
It is interesting to me how disgusting one can feel when it comes time to eat your words. To realize how irrational you were to speak- to say anything at all in a time like that. And I wanted it all- to fulfill my desires and to maintain the friendship and good grades I had. Nah, you have to choose. I will never forget the worthy words of C.S. Lewis who describes every action as a step closer to either heaven or hell. The funny thing is, when one steps into a place of sin, he can’t just step right back out of it, one step ahead on the path of righteousness. No, no, there is ONE world, ONE lifetime, and ONE economy of mercy. Only provided through the ONLY Son, the narrow path provides the narrow provisions for freedom. To deal with that sin, the Son takes the sinner and purifies, provides a new start. And then comes a lot of explanation and apologizing.
In this season of relationships, I am not pouting over the lack of relationship. In fact, there is much blessing in having time and freedom to do things to bless more people. I enjoy the adventures of different friend groups. I miraculously look forward to coming home solely for the fact that I get to hang out with my parents and siblings. There are more gifts to be given, more phone calls, and more girl dates. Praise the Lord for fun times with Tasha and Brittnee on Friday. A perfect cafe, picture-taking, and severely honest conversation.
And praise the Lord for Monica on Saturday. Homework, crafts, movies, and more brutal honesty. Without these friends, how could I possibly see clearly how to apologize to other friends I have hurt and secretly offended by secrecy?
Jon Foreman writes correctly:
I hear you breathing in
Another day begins
The stars are falling out
My dreams are fading out, fading out
I’ve been keeping my eyes wide open.
All your love is a syphony
All around me, running through me,
All your love is a melody,
Underneath me, running to me
Your love is a song
The dawn is fire-bright
Against the city light
The crowds are glowing now
The moon is blacking out
I’ve been keeping my mind wide open.
Symphony. Melody. Songs. Harmony. Around, underneath running, surrounding.
My eyes were unsure, and yet I, like the insane Hamlet, put on my little play. That whole adventure=failure.
Apologies are great, and thankfully, true friends understand and forgive. Finally, communication occurs. At last, there is closure and reality set in.
Can I see another’s woe,
And not be in sorrow too?
Can I see another’s grief,
And not seek for kind relief?
Can I see a falling tear,
And not feel my sorrow’s share?
Can a father see his child
Weep, nor be with sorrow fill’d?
Can a mother sit and hear
An infant groan, and infant fear?
No no never can it be.
Never never can it be.
And can he who smiles on all
Hear the wren with sorrows small,
Hear the small bird’s grief & care
Hear the woes that infants bear-
And not sit beside the nest
Pouring pity in their breast,
And not sit the cradle near
Weeping tear on infant’s tear?
And not sit both night & day,
Wiping all our tears away?
O! no never can it be.
Never never can it be.
He doth give his joy to all.
He becomes an infant small.
He becomes a man of woe.
He doth feel the sorrow too.
Think not, thou canst sigh a sigh,
And they maker is not by.
Think not, thou cast weep a tear,
And thy maker is not near.
O! he gives to us his joy,
That our grief to us his joy,
That our grief he may destroy;
Till our grief is fled & gone
He doth sit by us and moan.
On Another’s Sorrow by William Blake
Filed under: College Classes., Family, God, Living, Music, Poetry, Relationships | Tags: Andrew Peterson, Bible, Billy Collins, Frank Lloyd Wright, Jonathan Edwards, Kant, Samuel Coleridge, Simon & Garfunkle
In an effort to write out some thoughts like a an artist of words, I typed out this choppy thought process. There was no intention to rhyme, and no intention for this to make sense to the common eye, but this is my poem to reflect my thoughts after a long, unaccomplished day of work, paperwork, homework, classes, conversations brutally cut short, frustrating volleyball games, spiritual introspection and reflection, and roommate meetings.
Midnight Affections in Partial Coherence
Restless eyes with big ideas
Search for an open eye to share the ideas
Sharing the laughter
Sharing affectionate conversation
Withholding insecurity for the sake of sanity
And naturally the sanity follows
The kind looks and words from friends
Legitimacy in relationship is better than the pain of introspection
Light of the Spirit to guide and to nourish
Friends of Christ in togetherness
When I find myself on the bridge over troubled waters
And say to myself that I am the silver girl
And say so long, and prepare to jump,
Who is to keep me there except the false light
Even over thinking the future will toss one over the edge
The troubled waters have enough to handle
Without one more body of intricacy and mess
And friends would become lonely also
As Frank Lloyd Wright is to the Fallingwater
So Sharon is to the CPA and to schedules
So experience is bred, but also distraction
Homework left undone
And friends neglected severely
The pithy phrases of the philosophers
And the affections of musicians
Can only give me something to hang a coat on
Wesley’s forced perfection
Edwards’s saving affection
Kant’s empirical madness
Coleridge’s feisty wording
Samuel’s peaceful sanctity
Education and friendship and home
Speaking implies tongues of understanding
Consideration allows communication
Poetry necessitates coherence
Like coffee beans need a filter
Like uphill biking needs strong legs
Time to let the man on the moon smile
To love the dark earth
To ride the night’s full horizon
To break into song and sing me to sleep
And here is a thorough tribute to Billy Collins for the sake of his quote:
The Man in the Moon
He used to frighten me in the nights of childhood,
The wide adult face, enormous, stern, aloft.
I could not imagine such loneliness, such coldness.
But tonight as I drive home over these hilly roads
I see him sinking behind stands of winter trees
And rising again to show his familiar face.
And when he comes into full view over open fields
He looks like a young man who has fallen in love
With the dark earth,
A pale bachelor, well-groomed and full of melancholy,
His round mouth open
As if he had just broken into song.
My sister Rachael is getting a tattoo that will represent Melody and me in some way. The design includes musical notes and roses. Hopefully that’s self-explanatory. When we looked up “rose of sharon” in google images, all the flowers looked like hibiscus! So that left us with a dilemma: should Rachael keep the original design with musical notes and roses, or should she adjust the flower to look like a hibiscus?
Then I thought about John 1, how the Word becomes flesh. Many students of Scripture at the time did not recognize their Messiah because they imagined the wrong image of the Word. That was because of ignorance; they had not known what to look for.
Anyways, when we draw a picture of a rose of sharon, the picture should represent what the word actually means, right? To draw a traditional rose honestly would not be a big deal, but it would be ignorant.
In Peter Pan, Peter understands a kiss to be a thimble. It’s funny, but it’s not as good as knowing what you are really getting. I hate forgetting things. It’s a curse- I think too much but forget even more. If I forget the true meaning of things, life is terrible. It’s not about being perfect or having money or knowing everything. It’s not about having charm or all the answers. If I forget that, immersed in a culture of deceitful media and terrible representations of beauty, I lose my mind. It would be a shame to live a lie.
Today I told my mom that I’ve had yarn and crocheting coming out the wazoo. She shushed me! She said it sounded nasty. what?
This Christmas I have experimented with all kinds of crochet patterns. I’m considering putting some pics up and then making an account with a website called etsy.com. so watch out for me, people, my artistic crocheting of purses, hats, scarves, baby clothes, and others may be up for sale soon!I made a purse and a few scarves for my parents, and a hat-scarf set for Elizabeth. I made some hats for fun, and some clothes for my unborn niece. Fun stuff, man. I’m definitely NOT done yet!!
And my own pictures may be up soon here too. I am hoping that this stuff, and participating in some random studies and stuff will help me to raise some extra moolah for tuition.
I went to the Plaza Bonita Westfield mall last night, and shoot, the people that go there are extraordinary- and by extraordinary I mean ghetto- even if the mall looks more beautiful. There were a few fights that broke out. Cops everywhere. We got out of there as soon as we realized how many police were coming and how many crowds were being drawn in. The mall has never looked so good, but the people were crazy!
I’m going to be house-sitting by the new mall this weekend, hopefully having some friends over. But I don’t really party that hard. Maybe I need to, so that I can take my mind off of stuff. But no, it’s time to be alert and responsive, on my guard and in the game. Ecclesiastes may tell me that all is vanity, and Song of Solomon may tell me to enjoy the stirred-up love when it pleases, but Philippians tells me that the peace of God which passes all understanding will keep my heart and mind through Christ Jesus. I choose peace for now, thank you. When I am feeling the sting of being tossed around in this sea, I praise God for relationship with Him, with my silly family, and awesome friends.
This Christmas, I did not get to have very much of a romantic evening by a fireplace or have my love by my side. This Christmas, I feel as if I have selfishly taken love and joy from family and friends, and taken the joy away from a man who heard me tell him that I wanted to marry him. So I have no boyfriend, but I have tons of other nostalgic stuff around me to keep me content. Now that I’m done with my pity party, here are my deeper thoughts as of late.
I once made a list of things that are very important in my life. Relationship, music, and love are HUGE issues. Focusing on education is currently key to my success . For some reason, I was not able to fess up to the responsibility that I have to remain honest and caring and submitted to God in all areas of my life, including my relationship with my boyfriend. Praise the Lord, we are both in His hands, and He will continue His perfect plan in us, even though I broke off the relationship last week. Now I am reading through Ephesians constantly, ever since my interesting Don Rags with Dr. Spears, and I am also loving the book A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Van Auken. Actually that book has made me feel stronger to face this break-up, showing me the greater poetic beauty of a romantic relationship. Now that I am considering the power of the Holy Spirit in my unveiled soul, having the influence to redeem my brokenness daily for His purposes, I pray that I could understand the beauty the Van Auken felt through pagan love and through relationship, then through the most perfect love of God. (Not that I’m trying to be sappy and romantic, but I just need to let my girlish desires go in the right direction…) I did a lot of things wrong in my relationship with David. I made a lot of situations very awkward (not that that is anything new, but it’s still unnecessary! Silly self-conscious shareshare…) and apparently I was a prime cause of David’s hairs prematurely growing grey. I overreacted to stupid things, and I did things that I knew he didn’t really like. I did not show enough appreciation for everything that David did for me, especially toward the end. Next week I will face all of these issues, and it will be interesting to hear his take on our whole relationship.Last Wednesday, David came to the house after he finished his last paper to finish his undergrad degree in biblical studies. He was happy, and totally unprepared to hear that I had been fasting all day about our relationship, and concluded that I cannot be in the relationship any more. Several personality and opinion conflicts have irked me in our relationship, and God showed me that it would not be right for me to continue being unsatisfied and in the relationship. When the time is right, maybe life can be like Van Auken’s poem Maytime:
The aged winter fled away Before the bugles of the May,- And love, dear love, arose. But when spring's glory goes The lilacs of our love shall stay, For ever Maytime sweet and gay,- Until the lilacs close Beneath the deathly snows.
I really did think we were going to get married. Every time I tell someone about the end of our relationship I want to cry again, and nothing takes away the sting of unspiritual plans gone awry. Lord help us, I have nothing to say or to offer any more. Nothing has changed about the fact that I am such a blonde and I leave things to the last minute way too often. Now it’s time for more changes to happen. Right now I don’t want romance; I want friends! Praise God for the friends that have come around me and held me up in love and prayers.I thank God for all the similarities and differences I share with good friends, including my sisters. Unity or disunity, God has given much to buffer my belief and maintain hope for what is real.
Well, on another note, I really enjoy the band Future of Forestry now. It offers poetry and healing, and reminders about good times and a great concert. Chris told me to focus on the song that says “love will come to you” in the chorus. I have definitely eaten that song up, and added it to my favorites list. It’s definitely one of thos songs that I can use for regaining composure-or maybe losing it- as I get swallowed by big blankets and put my head as close as I can to the speakers blaring these words: “These are the times, these are the memories. You find a way, pushing through the day, to speak to me gently. Can you just feel the time, falling from someplace new? Can you just feel the sign? Love waits for you. Love waits for you. Searching the stars in desperate hours- bound to find meaning. God shows His face in this desolate place. Tenderness meets me. Stories untold, Redwoods grown old reside in the forest. There you can hear a whispering and tear that speaks into our loneliness. ” The instruments provide the perfect feeling of the mystery of spiritual healing.
Also, Thrice is a huge blessing. Their song “Come all ye Weary” is my new top favorite, standing with “Music Box” and “Image of the Invisible.” I loved their concert at House of Blues; definitely a great time hanging out with Chris, Scott, Andrew, and Corrine. Thrice seems to make the Bible’s artistic words hit SO much closer home!
Holidays are simply awesome, especially when we are able to celebrate new additions to the family! Thank you Jesus for Josiah officially becoming my brother last month, and for Melody’s baby girl on the way. Woohoo for being a big sister and an auntie!! Family relationship represents the Godhead: a father, offspring, and intermediary (dad, mom, and kids!), so may we all learn how to glorify God properly in our families. May we be loving and submissive in the way we communicate.
“I heard a voice through the discord, of a deluge of passersby. I saw one gaze frozen in time, wathcing me passing by. I swear I’ll know your face in a crowd. I’ll hear your voice so loud, and your whispering:
‘Hey unfaithful I will teach you to be stronger, to be stronger. Hey ungraceful, I will teach you to forgive one another.’ Hear’s my kiss to betray. Desperate to brush the lips of grace. Do you feel hollow when you think of how I’ve lied? Oh, sweet angel of mercy, with your grace like the morning, wrap your loving arms around me.
‘Hey unfaithful, I will teach you to be stronger, to be stronger. Hey ungraceful, I will teach you to forgive one another. Hey unloving, I will love you.’
Jesus, I’m ready to come home!”
We Leave with Nothing but Love 