We Leave with Nothing but Love


Sometimes
July 21, 2010, 1:25 pm
Filed under: God, Poetry, Relationships, Uncategorized

Sometimes there is a regrettable moment. Or series of regrettable moments.

Sometimes there is an opportunity to take, regardless of the daunting speed and pressure.

Sometimes the pressure turns into a diamond, or the discomfort turns into a pearl.

Sometimes I want to cry because I can’t seem to communicate my deepest, purest desires.

Sometimes I wonder if the pure desires are actually the ones at the forefront after all.

Sometimes my relationship with God seems the most real and significant thing in my existence.

Sometimes my guard is down, and I have to beg mercy, that God would help me remember what that guard looks like again.

Sometimes I regret, with a strong desire to do better, to be legitimate.

Sometimes I regret, wishing that life would just be done already.

Always, God is good. Forever, His Word is true and powerful. Never will He stop loving His children. And every moment has been providentially permitted.

Investigate my life, O God

find out everything about me;

Cross-examine and test me,

get a clear picture of what I am about;

See for yourself whether I have done anything wrong-

then guide me on the road to eternal life.

(Psalm 139:23-24. The Message.)

My regrettable moments are over and have been forgiven. Internally, I have processed them and moved on after months of prayer and quiet.

New and beautiful opportunities are afoot.

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All that Time
June 20, 2010, 7:32 am
Filed under: Crochet, Living, Music, Relationships

While there have been countless opportunities for me to pursue something that reflects who I am, I have not ever felt more myself than now. Sure, there are conversations to be had, and a bridge to be repaired, but so far, being in a relationship with Jonathan makes me finally feel like I am on my way home.

I have always felt like something was weird about the word “home.” At the first house I remember living in, the one we lived in for 10 years, I constantly felt like I wanted to “go home” even when I was already there. And even though I had friends in my neighborhood, and I loved my neighbors’ pets, I was always ready for the adventure of moving to a different place, maybe a place that felt like home. Now that I am in college, I feel comfortable saying that San Diego is “home,” but more like a home base than home. And really, Biola is also home to me.

I have a whole playlist in iTunes for songs that pursue the concept of home, only because I am searching for anyone’s discoveries of  the meaning of home, that will help me understand where home really is for me.

For the search, Simon and Garfunkle have it right:

Tonight I’ll sing my songs again

I’ll play the game and pretend

But all my words come back to me

In shades of mediocrity

Like emptiness in harmony

I need someone to comfort me

Homeward bound, I wish I was

Homeward bound

Songs have always helped me, but sometimes when I never feel at home, the songs only reflect a sad mediocrity. So then, for the songs that discover home, I have Paul Simon’s “That’s Where I belong”:

When I see you smiling
When I hear you singing
Lavender and roses
Every ending a beginning

That’s the way it is
I don’t know why
Ay ay ay
But that’s where I belong

So, in my last post I was searching for my true feelings. I wanted to be certain about Jon’s. I wanted to be certain of our families’ approval. I had a long conversation with my mom, his mom (Momma Sue), and finally, with him. And then I had a conversation with him every night to follow until he came to see me again. And on Sunday when he asked me to be his girlfriend, it was crazy. Crazy in a good way, for the peace I felt, moreso than I have ever felt before. Crazy for the ways that we connected on so many levels, afterso many years of knowing each other. (Something like 21 years, since that is how long I have been alive in the church we have both always gone to!)

There are so many conversations to be had, and so many things I am excited to pursue with him. We are going to read a Charles Williams book together, and I am planning to visit him in Japan where he is stationed.

So here is a  picture or two that seem to reflect how perfect we are for each other so far: Looking adventurous, looking happy, and one picture of us holding the crocheted monkey that I made for Jon, which we appropriately named Yawn.



Everything
February 19, 2010, 12:33 am
Filed under: College Classes., God, Living, Music, Relationships | Tags: ,

While listening to “Everything About It Is A Love Song,” I try to remember the reason for wanting to write this post. Memory is a funny game, and after a day like today, I am clearly on a losing streak.

Yesterday my Torrey group discussed Jane Eyre, concluding that Jane grew strong and mature. She subjected herself to poverty before giving in to depravity of affection. She saw all her situations as opportunities of providing her worth in life. Never satisfied with her own poor performance, she sought to best serve her companions in life. Her work, her love, and her relationships were top quality, outweighing the merit of Chuck Norris (as Dr. Reynolds so aptly tweeted).

So I’m praising God to feel so free from relational disillusionment, to find strength in virtue of Jane’s character. Satisfaction surrounds genuine patience, so here I wait, learning to know God more. During this crazy long week, I have again found satisfaction in knowing God and knowing that my home is in Him. I am not Sharon, without the things that I do, and I am not God’s without surrendering all those things to Him.

“Everything About It Is A Love Song”

Locked in a struggle for the right combination of words in a melody line

I took a walk along the riverbank of my imagination

Golden clouds were shuffling the sunshine

But if I ever get back to the twentieth century

Guess I’ll have to pay off some debts

Open the book of my vanishing memory

With its catalogue of regrets

Stand up for the deeds I did

And those I didn’t do

Sit down, shut up, think about God

And wait for the hour of my rescue

We don’t mean to mess things up

But mess them up we do

And then it’s “Oh, I’m sorry”

Here’s a smiling photograph of love it was new

At a birthday party

Make a wish and close your eyes: surprise, surprise, surprise

Early December, and brown as a sparrow

Frost creeping over the pond

I shoot a thought into the future

And it flies like an arrow

Through my lifetime, and beyond

If I ever come back as a tree, or a crow

Or even the wind-blown dust

Find me on the ancient road in the song when the wires are hushed

Hurry on and remember me, as I’ll remember you

Far above the the gold clouds, the darkness vibrates

The earth is blue

And everything about it is  a love song

Everything about it

Everything about it is a love song

Everything about it

-Paul Simon



A Poem of Partial Coherence and a Shoutout to Billy Collins
Wesley’s forced perfection
Edwards’s saving affection
Kant’s empirical madness
Coleridge’s feisty wording
Samuel’s peaceful sanctity
Education and friendship and home
Speaking implies tongues of understanding
Consideration allows communication
Poetry necessitates coherence
Like coffee beans need a filter
Like uphill biking needs strong legs
Time to let the man on the moon smile
To love the dark earth
To ride the night’s full horizon
To break into song and sing me to sleep

In an effort to write out some thoughts like a an artist of words, I typed out this choppy thought process. There was no intention to rhyme, and no intention for this to make sense to the common eye, but this is my poem to reflect my thoughts after a long, unaccomplished day of work, paperwork, homework, classes, conversations brutally cut short, frustrating volleyball games, spiritual introspection and reflection, and roommate meetings.


Midnight Affections in Partial Coherence

Restless eyes with big ideas

Search for an open eye to share the ideas

Sharing the laughter

Sharing affectionate conversation

Withholding insecurity for the sake of sanity

And naturally the sanity follows

The kind looks and words from friends


Legitimacy in relationship is better than the pain of introspection

Light of the Spirit to guide and to nourish

Friends of Christ in togetherness

When I find myself on the bridge over troubled waters

And say to myself that I am the silver girl

And say so long, and prepare to jump,

Who is to keep me there except the false light


Even over thinking the future will toss one over the edge

The troubled waters have enough to handle

Without one more body of intricacy and mess

And friends would become lonely also


As Frank Lloyd Wright is to the Fallingwater

So Sharon is to the CPA and to schedules

So experience is bred, but also distraction

Homework left undone

And friends neglected severely

The pithy phrases of the philosophers

And the affections of musicians

Can only give me something to hang a coat on


Wesley’s forced perfection

Edwards’s saving affection

Kant’s empirical madness

Coleridge’s feisty wording

Samuel’s peaceful sanctity


Education and friendship and home

Speaking implies tongues of understanding

Consideration allows communication

Poetry necessitates coherence

Like coffee beans need a filter

Like uphill biking needs strong legs


Time to let the man on the moon smile

To love the dark earth

To ride the night’s full horizon

To break into song and sing me to sleep


And here is a thorough tribute to Billy Collins for the sake of his quote:

The Man in the Moon

He used to frighten me in the nights of childhood,

The wide adult face, enormous, stern, aloft.
I could not imagine such loneliness, such coldness.

But tonight as I drive home over these hilly roads
I see him sinking behind stands of winter trees
And rising again to show his familiar face.

And when he comes into full view over open fields
He looks like a young man who has fallen in love
With the
dark earth,

A pale bachelor, well-groomed and full of melancholy,
His round mouth open
As if he had just broken into song.

Summer Twilight in La Mirada



Another day. Another lifetime.
February 19, 2009, 10:10 am
Filed under: Books, God, Living, Music, Relationships

Finally I am hearing those sounds, the songs of Jon Foreman and Sean Watkins. Fiction Family. What a perfect way to end the day. Finally letting out my sobs and hearing the harmonies so appropo to my heart.

However many times I leave my dorm room, every time I walk away, I know I cannot come back without some kind of change or some new direction for my soul. And this last week has held some of the most incredible changes ever. Excuse my silliness, but stress and wonderful days combined have made me tumble totally down this hill of soft patches and brambles. Here I sit, wondering who I am, wondering what I should do with myself, and wondering what someone else may be thinking too. 

Hamlet had an identity crisis, being a part of royal scandal and having the power of directing circumstances like a play. He made sure to prove his purpose by directing his play and taking vengeance. My story is much the opposite. By hell, I could never dare to take this situation in my own hands, just to see something so wonderful and confusing crumble away. Hamlet asks, “To be, or not to be?” and here I sit, in silence. I wonder, what happens next? What happens to a heart that has reached a point so very high, and is now being held midair in space somewhere? Lest I fall to the wiles of insanity, I must simply work, sleep, and wait. And wait. 

God help me, that I would not lose friends or forget the unmistakable truth I have in God, in all of this. Though I may be intoxicated in this drama, I feel the shrillest highs and lowest lows, and scanning the radio, a song has brought me home. 

We Ride

Sunrise over troubled waters, over troubled fathers

Of the sun

Of sun and sand.

Steady now,

You’re the loosest cannon

Not yet a man, but we’re not children

We’re not kids any more.

And we ride 

We ride, we ride

Down these living scenes

Down these living scenes, down these living scenes.

The winter comes, and the deep is free

Turn clever fleece to steal the breath from angry scenes.

Hold me down

Blood meets water 

Time is black white brought blue until you breathe

Breathe.

And we ride, we ride we ride

Down these living scenes.

I’m these living scenes.

~Jon Foreman and Sean Watkins, Sunset Cliffs



I hear in my mind all this music
January 18, 2009, 8:43 am
Filed under: Living, Music, Relationships

Tonight I babysat my two boys again: Jake and Dylan. They are absolutely adorable, but the older, Jake, always has a lot of personality issues. He is already developing his mom’s OCD perfectionism about EVERY part of the day; when I am babysitting and start putting him to bed, I can’t break any detail of the bedtime routine or else he flips out. So tonight I just decided to help him forget that his parent’s weren’t there. We read a book about snowmen coming alive at night, and he started telling me that snowmen never actually move. They don’t really do anything at night or ever. They just melt. Well, deciding that he is much too practical for a child, I decided to tell both of the boys stories about each of their toys and stuffed animals coming alive at night. I talked about their piggy-banks going to casinos to gamble with their money and then win it back, and about all the stuffed animals having parties every night. I told them that their strobe light was hidden in the carpet somewhere. The more stories I told them, the more interested they seemed, and I almost believed myself. Every kid needs a good dose of curious imagination. And Jake didn’t cry tonight.

On another note, some people say that it’s not easy to spend time with an ex. I am really hoping to prove that wrong. Tonight after talking about when I would see David again, I had to have a good rock-out session on my drive home. Almost midnight and fighting a headache, Regina Spektor led me in song shouting the lyrics to “fidelity” at the top of my lungs. ” I never loved nobody fully. Always one foot out the door. And by protecting my heart fully, Igot lost in the sounds I hear in my mind, all these voices, I hear in my mind, all these words, all these words, and it breaks my hear-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-t. suppose I never ever met you. suppose we never fell in love… Supoose I never ever saw you, suppose we never ever called. Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall… All my friends say that of course it”s going to get betterbetterbetterbetterbetterbetter!…”

I hear in my mind a lot of music and sounds and heaviness and lightness and depth and light. There is a lot of pain and a lot of healing, a lot of joy and a lot of confusion. And while I sit and ponder or drive and sing or crochet and think, all the sounds keep me company. Old friends now call me a crazy Christian. It’s pretty interesting what jobs and coworkers do to people. CS Lewis said that every decision turns you to either be more like a child of hell or more like a child of heaven. Every decision. I think that goes for experiences with people. Every person you encounter effects who you become.

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Caroling through the Night
December 26, 2008, 5:54 am
Filed under: Family, God, Living, Music, Relationships

This Christmas, I did not get to have very much of a romantic evening by a fireplace or have my love by my side. This Christmas, I feel as if I have selfishly taken love and joy from family and friends, and taken the joy away from a man who heard me tell him that I wanted to marry him. So I have no boyfriend, but I have tons of other nostalgic stuff around me to keep me content. Now that I’m done with my pity party, here are my deeper thoughts as of late.

I once made a list of things that are very important in my life. Relationship, music, and love are HUGE issues. Focusing on education is currently key to my success . For some reason, I was not able to fess up to the responsibility that I have to remain honest and caring and submitted to God in all areas of my life, including my relationship with my boyfriend. Praise the Lord, we are both in His hands, and He will continue His perfect plan in us, even though I broke off the relationship last week. Now I am reading through Ephesians constantly, ever since my interesting Don Rags with Dr. Spears, and I am also loving the book A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Van Auken. Actually that book has made me feel stronger to face this break-up, showing me the greater poetic beauty of a romantic relationship. Now that I am considering the power of the Holy Spirit in my unveiled soul, having the influence to redeem my brokenness daily for His purposes, I pray that I could understand the beauty the Van Auken felt through pagan love and through relationship, then through the most perfect love of God. (Not that I’m trying to be sappy and romantic, but I just need to let my girlish desires go in the right direction…) I did a lot of things wrong in my relationship with David. I made a lot of situations very awkward (not that that is anything new, but it’s still unnecessary! Silly self-conscious shareshare…) and apparently I was a prime cause of David’s hairs prematurely growing grey. I overreacted to stupid things, and I did things that I knew he didn’t really like. I did not show enough appreciation for everything that David did for me, especially toward the end. Next week I will face all of these issues, and it will be interesting to hear his take on our whole relationship.Last Wednesday, David came to the house after he finished his last paper to finish his undergrad degree in biblical studies. He was happy, and totally unprepared to hear that I had been fasting all day about our relationship, and concluded that I cannot be in the relationship any more. Several personality and opinion conflicts have irked me in our relationship, and God showed me that it would not be right for me to continue being unsatisfied and in the relationship. When the time is right, maybe life can be like Van Auken’s poem Maytime:

The aged winter fled away
Before the bugles of the May,-
And love, dear love, arose.
But when spring's glory goes
The lilacs of our love shall stay,
For ever Maytime sweet and gay,-
Until the lilacs close
Beneath the deathly snows.

I really did think we were going to get married. Every time I tell someone about the end of our relationship I want to cry again, and nothing takes away the sting of unspiritual plans gone awry. Lord help us, I have nothing to say or to offer any more. Nothing has changed about the fact that I am such a blonde and I leave things to the last minute way too often. Now it’s time for more changes to happen. Right now I don’t want romance; I want friends! Praise God for the friends that have come around me and held me up in love and prayers.I thank God for all the similarities and differences I share with good friends, including my sisters. Unity or disunity, God has given much to buffer my belief and maintain hope for what is real.

Well, on another note, I really enjoy the band Future of Forestry now. It offers poetry and healing, and reminders about good times and a great concert. Chris told me to focus on the song that says “love will come to you” in the chorus. I have definitely eaten that song up, and added it to my favorites list. It’s definitely one of thos songs that I can use for regaining composure-or maybe losing it- as I get swallowed by big blankets and put my head as close as I can to the speakers blaring these words: “These are the times, these are the memories. You find a way, pushing through the day, to speak to me gently. Can you just feel the time, falling from someplace new? Can you just feel the sign? Love waits for you. Love waits for you. Searching the stars in desperate hours- bound to find meaning. God shows His face in this desolate place. Tenderness meets me. Stories untold, Redwoods grown old reside in the forest. There you can hear a whispering and tear that speaks into our loneliness. ” The instruments provide the perfect feeling of the mystery of spiritual healing.

Also, Thrice is a huge blessing. Their song “Come all ye Weary” is my new top favorite, standing with “Music Box” and “Image of the Invisible.” I loved their concert at House of Blues; definitely a great time hanging out with Chris, Scott, Andrew, and Corrine. Thrice seems to make the Bible’s artistic words  hit SO much closer home!

Holidays are simply awesome, especially when we are able to celebrate new additions to the family! Thank you Jesus for Josiah officially becoming my brother last month, and for Melody’s baby girl on the way. Woohoo for being a big sister and an auntie!! Family relationship represents the Godhead: a father, offspring, and intermediary (dad, mom, and kids!), so may we all learn how to glorify God properly in our families. May we be loving and submissive in the way we communicate.

“I heard a voice through the discord, of a deluge of passersby. I saw one gaze frozen in time, wathcing me passing by. I swear I’ll know your face in a crowd. I’ll hear your voice so loud, and your whispering:

‘Hey unfaithful I will teach you to be stronger, to be stronger. Hey ungraceful, I will teach you to forgive one another.’ Hear’s my kiss to betray. Desperate to brush the lips of grace. Do you feel hollow when you think of how I’ve lied? Oh, sweet angel of mercy, with your grace like the morning, wrap your loving arms around me.

‘Hey unfaithful, I will teach you to be stronger, to  be stronger. Hey ungraceful, I will teach you to forgive one another. Hey unloving, I will love you.’

Jesus, I’m ready to come home!”